It's not about me.

I know, I know....I've been absent the past couple of days. Let's just say it's been stressful, and filled with lots of homework, reading, papers, and studying for tests. It's been a crazy week, I'd rather not reflect on it too much. The weekend is almost here, and I am ready to embrace it, clutch it tightly, live it. Until Monday comes, at least.

One thing I've been focusing on this week is Selfless Love. So often I put myself first without even thinking. In college, I feel it's so easy to do that. College is, all about you. The classes, the tests, the papers, the studying....all that is focused on each individual person, and is created for the purpose of bettering oneself. Day after day, we get caught up in this world, this bubble, in which we are living for ourselves. Yes, we have friends, we have close relationships, we are in constant close contact with other people. But at the end of the day, you just want to do what's best for yourself. You want to get ahead. You want to succeed. You, you, you. Me, me, me.

Tonight I was in line at Wal-Mart buying some groceries for the weekend. (Again, groceries for ME to enjoy.) Ahead of me was a middle-aged woman carrying a small boy of about 2, pushing a cart with an infant in a car seat, while a little girl of about 5 was walking alongside her. The woman looked exhausted. Her clothes were wrinkled. She was not wearing the latest fashions. Her hair was not styled in an attractive way. She was wearing little make-up. She was buying a cart full of groceries for her family, all while tending to her 3 small children. Now, taking 3 kids to Wal-Mart is not an easy task in itself. Kids are constantly asking their parents if they can have this toy, or this candy. Constant questions and nagging. Try to imagine taking 3 kids to the store, while having to do your weekly grocery shopping. And, truth be told, it was probably the last thing she wanted to do, and the last place she wanted to be. But she didn't have a choice. She is a mother. She has to put her family above herself. Her kids need a mother -- someone to take care of them. Her husband needs someone who will cook the meals when he gets home from a long day at work. Day after day, she has to deal with the reality of putting herself last.

I realized how different my life probably is from hers. How many times in a day do I get to do something I want to do?? All the time. I can come home from class, put my feet up, turn the tv on for a few hours. I can decide when I want to do my homework. I can take a study break to go out for a drink with my friends, or hang out with my boyfriend. I can choose to even sleep in, and skip class, without really having to worry about much consequence. I can spend what little money I have on something I want, rather than something I need. As much as I complain about schoolwork and classes, I realize how fortunate I am to have this opportunity. I have a chance to educate myself, to make myself better. To prepare myself for a life and a career that I choose. Many times I feel guilty that I have spent these past 3 1/2 years being so self-focused. It's certainly an easy habit to fall in to. I think of what it would be like to wake up in the morning, and be responsible for the life of another person. What it would be like to juggle a full-time job with raising a family, taking care of the house, and putting food on the table. Or, like many stay-at-home moms, to spend day after day in your house, doing chores and taking care of the kids. Not that motherhood isn't a rewarding job, I'm sure....I would LOVE to be a mother someday, and to experience that kind of joy and love. But these women put themselves last, day after day, and don't bat an eye half the time.

What will my life be like in 10, 20 years when I am a mother? Will I long for these college days, when I had infinite freedom and am only responsible for myself? Will I think of college as a waste of time and money? Will I have a family whom I love to take care of? What if I start a family, and then decide I just don't want to do it, or can't? These women have already made that choice. What goes on in their homes, behind closed doors, I don't know. But today I got a glimpse of the real world, which is a rare occurrence in this "me-world" of college I live in. I want to hand that mother $100 and tell her to go spend it on something just for herself. I want to send her away to a spa for a day. I want her to take a day where she can sit, put her feet up, watch reruns of "Desperate Housewives" and "Grey's Anatomy" all day, and think ONLY of herself.

To be capable of selfless love is a sacrifice. But it's also a beautiful thing. I am going to try harder, in my last year of college, of thinking less about myself, my life, what I'm going to do after this, and be more aware of the other people around me. It's not about me. It's not even about them, necessarily. I think it's about recognizing our place in this world, and that whatever "bubble" we may live in --wherever we are in our lives, wherever we are living, and whatever we are doing-- there is always a vast, unfamiliar world outside which is meant to be explored and appreciated.

Welcome to Fall

Hello there,

I'm not going to write a lot today because I feel like CRAP... I must be coming down with something :( It was a busy, long, emotionally exhausting Monday, for many reasons. I just want to go to bed and ignore this pile of homework that I have in front of me.

On a happier note, it's fall! Which is my favorite season EVER. I love the cooler air, the way the sun shines through the golden trees, the smell, the crisp nip in the air at night. Mmm. Hard to believe I'm a month into school, it's really flown by so far. I'm trying very hard not to get behind like I have a habit of doing. I spent 3 hours last night reading and taking notes for my history class. It was tedious and boring but I felt a big sense of accomplishment when I finished.

I'm exhausted, so it's early to bed tonight. Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to share...Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow.

Weekend, finally...

Ahhh. I live for the weekends. I really do.

It's been pretty chill the past couple of days. Fridays are my "easy day", meaning only 2 classes and no extra lessons. It was nice to come home, kick back with a glass of wine, and veg in front of the TV for a couple of hours.

I hardly saw Mark at all yesterday, which was a little strange, but not a bad thing. He was busy with class all day, then worked in the evening, then it was Induction night for new members of his fraternity, so they were busy with that, and having fun, until the wee hours of the morning. I stayed home last night with Brianne. We did crossword puzzles together, ha. Yeah, we're dorks. It was fun, though. I went to bed early b/c I had to be up to work at 8 this morning. Ew. Luckily the four hours went by fast. Once I was done Mark took me out for brunch :) Then we came back to my place, took a much-needed nap, had some coffee out on the deck and just talked. It's a beautiful day out. Now he is downstairs, cooking me dinner! What a treat. I usually either cook dinner for him, or we both cook it together, which is fun, but it's nice not to have to do it tonight. Homemade meatloaf and mashed potatoes! He's a keeper, I tell you. It's wonderful having a boyfriend who not only loves to cook, but is good at it.

Tonight we're going to our voice teacher's Recital. It's going to be amazing, and won't hurt for counting towards the 40 concerts I have left to attend before I graduate...hmm. Being a music major, you have to attend a certain number of concerts (60 for B.A's) over your 4 years here. Well, I spent most of Freshman and Sophomore year having too much fun to go to concerts, so now I am left with 40. Sigh. Luckily there is usually a concert or recital of some kind going on every weekend, so I should be able to make it. But it's fun, too. I love music so I can't really complain having to go listen to it for a few hours. After that, a whole bunch of people on our block are having a movie night at the house next door. Complete with homemade Sangria. YUM. Should be fun.

So that's my little recap. Sorry I took yesterday off. I feel better than I did on Thursday, my spirits are a bit higher, and I am less stressed out. The beautiful weather helps, too. Every day is a struggle but some days are better than others. I definitely have today to be thankful for because those days do not come very often.

I hope everyone out there is well. What do you guys do on the weekends most of the time? Party? Study hard? Relax? Chores and errands? If you're like me, it's probably a combination of all. It'd be interesting to know, I always love hearing about the lives of others, so feel free to leave some comments if you'd like. Thanks for checking in :)

-R

And the world spins madly on...

Here, I am again, up later than I probably should be, but I figured since I skipped yesterday, I'd take a few minutes and put this down.

Today was not a good day. I woke up 20 minutes before my Sociology class. Amazingly enough, I got ready, out the door, drove to campus and parked, and ended up in my seat 2 minutes before class started. It was impressive, I tell you. Never mind that I had to skip my morning cup of coffee, which made me terribly, terribly sad. :( I'm just glad I woke up in time. I remember pushing snooze on my alarm clock, then going back to sleep. Usually when I do that, I end up waking up WAY late and have already missed class. Luckily I was able to make it to class this morning. I can definitely NOT afford one more missed class.

My mood was just blah all day. I finally got done with class/lessons at 3:30, and had to be at work at 4, and I still had to go back to my apartment and change. So, already cranky, I arrive at my car. Only to find out I have gotten a PARKING TICKET!!!! For parking in the "Visitor" spot!! WTF. See, if you buy a parking pass for your car, you can park anywhere on campus. Unfortunately, those parking passes are also $90. Ninety dollars! I tell you. That is absurd. I simply do not have that kind of extra money lying around. So for the past three weeks, I've been parking in the guest parking lot behind campus. Most of the other cars parked there don't have parking stickers on their windshield, so I figured it was safe. Until today. I am so pissed. $50 for a $%@&ing parking ticket that I feel I should have not gotten.

So, I am already cranky, and by now I am almost losing it. I get back to my apartment and change and come back to campus, parking OFF-campus, then walking, so I wouldn't get another stinkin ticket. I am so upset. I am fighting back tears. I just want to scream in frustration. Then I get even more upset for being so upset. Why can't I just be normal? I hate these horrible mood swings. Ever since I started this new medication last week, it's been awful. Yes, I've been feeling happier, at times, which is great, because before I wasn't able to feel ANYTHING. But when that mood subsides, I crash down to this horrible low point. I am also feeling way more agitated and angry, which my dr. said would be a side effect. I hate it so much! I would give anything in the world to feel peace and joy again. There are small moments of it here and there, but they are rare, and the in-between times are so bad that it almost is not worth it. I'm so fed up with this.

Work was horrible. I tried to get some homework done but the Union was really busy, people were constantly coming in and out, talking loudly, asking me stupid questions, wanting to buy tickets to on-campus events. I was so angry and overwhelmed and stressed out that I practically burst into tears, and I NEVER cry.

Mark was such a sweetie, though. He came over tonight for a while just to snuggle with me. Everything always feels better when I'm with him. He brings joy to my life, a smile to my face, he can brighten my mood no matter how bad it is. It's wonderful, but at the same time, I hate the fact that sometimes my happiness seems to only respond to him. I want that feeling of joy and happiness withOUT him. I want to be happy with myself, who I am, where I am going in my life....not happy because of how I feel when I'm with him. I've tried praying about this. I'm just not getting anything from God right now....I used to be so strong in my faith, and ever since the depression set in, when I need Him more than ever, I don't even have the strength and energy to reach out to Him.

I see that I have a wonderful life; I have good friends, an amazing boyfriend who is also my best friend, I go to a college that most people can't afford, I have a supportive family who has always provided for me.....I KNOW these things, and yet, it is very rare that I feel joy in my life. True, abiding, self-less joy. Is that so much to ask for? I don't even care about the materialistic things anymore. I know that God will carry me through and provide for me in that way. But when you're missing joy and peace from your life....that is a much harder void to fill. And it's much harder to trust and believe that one day, I will feel "normal" again.

Sorry for this depressing mood. Don't judge me. Just wanted to get some of this out there, because it helps to recognize these feelings and get them down on paper (well, virtual paper, if that counts). I've learned that keeping my feelings and frustrations bottled up is NOT the way to go. So anyway, sorry, this is more for me, than you. But I would appreciate comments, thoughts, prayers, etc.

Thanks --

Rachel

Unexpected, but pleasant, surprises.

If you're noticing a late-night blogging trend, do not be alarmed. I am a night owl. It's probably going to happen a lot, so deal with it. But I'm also tired after staying up late last night, so I'll try not to make this terribly long.

Well, I finished my 7 page Sociology paper last night at roughly 2 a.m. And dang it, it was good. I was very proud of how it turned out, flowed together, etc. I slipped into bed around 2:30, utterly exhausted yet content, and off to Dreamland I went.

Guess who forgot to set their alarm clock?

Yours truly :( AND my first class today was Sociology, in which our papers were due. I woke up an hour after class had started and it about done anyway, so it wasn't worth it for me to even attempt to go. I sighed loudly. Rubbed my sleep-encrusted eyes. And flipped open my laptop to check my email, then compose some sort of email telling my professor why I was absent. Which, by the way, I hate doing. I always feel so lame.

Note my surprise, when I read the subject title of an email that had arrived at 7 am this morning: SOC-275: NO CLASS TODAY

I nearly broke out into song, then tentatively clicked on the email in case it was some sort of sick joke my subconscious had conjured up. But, indeed, class was canceled this morning. Apparently the professor's house had flooded due to the heavy rains over the weekend, and she was busy trying to clean up the mess.

Remember how I had criticized the rain on Sunday? Well, I take that back. Thank you, rain, for pouring your bounteous goodness upon us so that my ass was saved after all. Now, the good part is that we don't have to hand in our papers until Thursday. And the bad part is that we don't have to hand our papers in until Thursday. After I had worked so hard and stayed up so late last night to get it done. Don't you hate when that happens?? Oh well, I shouldn't complain. Sleeping in this morning was a glorious thing.

The rest of my day went alright, I suppose. I only had one class. But I had two accompanying lessons, piano colloquium, and a piano lesson. I picked out some new repertoire for this semester that I'm pretty excited about. A Bach Toccata and Fugue, and Ravel's "Miroirs". Crazy cool pieces, and challenging, too.

For dinner tonight the roomies and I went out to Friday's to celebrate Brianne's birthday. It was HOMGZ delicious. Better yet, we had brought along some coupons I snipped out of the Sunday paper, one for a FREE appetizer (highly recommend the Spinach/Artichoke dip with tortilla chips), and the other one for $5.00 off an entree! So I got a whole bunch of delicious food, and we each only ended up paying $5.50 for our own meals. That totally made my day. I love coupons. Can I just say that one more time? I love coupons.

Spent the rest of the evening in the library with Mark. We had homework to do, but needless to say, we were having more fun goofing around. I had been feeling down about a few things, so I told him and we talked. He always makes me feel so much better. I love being with him, especially at the end of the day, because it's just so incredibly peaceful and natural. We talk about how our days went, anything that happened, and just general chit-chat. Then we spend a while hugging, snuggling, kissing, you know, all that lovey-dovey stuff. So no matter how bad my day has been, by the end of it, I am in the arms of the man I love, and all is right in the world again.

Goodnight--

Rachel

Just another Manic Monday.

Hello, dear friends of the blogging world --

I have spent the last 3 hours trying to crank out a 7-page paper for my Sociology class, and it's time for coffee, food, and a blogging break. Never mind that the paper was assigned over a week ago. Nope. Procrastination is what I do best. Funny how that works, isn't it?

I had a bit of the case of the Mondays today. Here's why:
I laid in bed tossing, turning, and itching until 2:30. Yes, itching. It felt like little bugs were crawling all over my body. My dr said that's a normal side effect of the new medicine I'm on. But let me tell you. Not pleasant at all. So I only got 4 hours of solid sleep, and awoke with not only violent, red scratches on my arms and legs, but the awful realization that I had to get up for work. Then I couldn't take my shower because Brianne was using it and she takes forever, and of course I couldn't say anything because it's her birthday and she is my dear friend. So I had to skip my shower (I know, I'm filthy) , hurriedly put on my clothes and makeup, and scurry-- no, let's change that verb, it was more like drag myself -- to work. All without my usual morning cup o' coffee. GAH.

Fast forward two hours. Work was uninteresting and boring, as usual. I played around on the computer and tried to keep from falling asleep. Then it was off to my Latin American History class. Enter embarrassing moment of the day. (Notice how I made that an ugly, puke-green color.) My professor was reviewing the different cultural groups present in early L.A. -- that's Latin America, not Los Angeles. (Don't hide your face in shame, I thought the same thing too.) She kept talking about their use of the wheel in labor. On and on, this phrase "the use of the wheel in labor" is used several times. Now, I've never given birth before, but still, this concept of using a wheel to assist the process was news to me. I looked around and no one else seemed as perplexed as me. I was picturing some sort of pulley system/torture device where a big wooden wheel was cranked by long-haired men in loincloths, and a rope attached to it would somehow pull the baby out of the, uh, woman's area. Without really thinking (I do this often), I raised my hand and asked "How exactly did these Latin American women use a wheel to give birth?"

Utter silence. Even the noisy air conditioner seemed to stop and ponder this ridiculous idea for a moment.

Of course, a dozen heads whip around to see who the dumb girl was who had uttered such a foolish thing. My professor somehow manages to keep a straight face and says "Well, the term "labor" we're referring to is field work."

OH. Of course.

Somehow I managed to slip out unnoticed at the end of class, but that moment is surely one to go into my "Bucket of Bad Decisions". Definitely not one of my proudest moments.

The rest of the day wasn't terribly bad, I ate lunch with Mark and finished up class and lessons at 3:00. So I returned to my apartment for a 2 hour snooze, since, really, being a fool takes a lot out of you.

Mark came over tonight and we cooked dinner together -- oven baked chicken, homemade mashed potatoes, and peas, yum! -- and played a rousing game of Scrabble. We do this often, about every other day. Yes, I'm aware this is an old person's game. But we're an old married couple, and dang proud of it. Then it was off to the library where I have resided ever since.

Two more pages to go, then I'm home free and it's off to sleep for me. Crossing my fingers for a decent, solid night's sleep, sans the itching bugs. Any more mysterious red scratches, and I'll be defending the honor of my dear, non-violent boyfriend.

What a day. Any more excitement, and I'm not sure I'd have been able to handle it. The poor library workers would have to escort me out in a straitjacket, listening to me mumble some random nonsense about a wheel and babies.

Sun-day? No. Rain-day is more like it.

"2 posts in one day?", you might be thinking. Well, keep in mind that my post was actually from early this morning, which, although it does constitute to it technically being today, in my crazy, messed up mind, any time that is before when I wake up is considered yesterday to me. So there.


It's chilly and rainy and our town is flooding. I'm desperately crossing my fingers and hoping classes might be canceled tomorrow, in lieu of the mayor making an announcement that everyone should stay inside, unless it is an emergency. School doesn't count as an emergency, does it?? I don't think so.


Don't rainy Sundays just make you want to curl up in bed all day? It's a wonderful feeling, but looming on the horizon is the fact that I have 2 papers due this week, a bunch of reading to do, and a few loads of laundry. And I just don't feel like doing that right now. Tonight I'll regret it, I know. But the lazy, depressing weather outside is doing nothing for my motivation. That went out the window a while ago.

I hate the feeling of a new week starting. Some people love it, but I dread it. I just think of all the things I have to do in the next week. Homework, practicing, working, chores. It makes me sad. I know I should go into it with a more positive attitude, but let's face it...not gonna happen. It doesn't help that every Monday morning I work from 8-10. Waking up at 7 on a Monday morning does not thrill me so. Especially when, the rest of the week, I don't wake up till 9.

I wonder if anyone reads this.....please comment if you do. I love, love, LOVE reading other people's blogs, even if they are strangers, because it makes me focus less on my own pathetic life. Call me nosy, but, many of you people out there are quite fascinating. I'm still new at this blogging thing, I promise my posts will get more interesting.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

Well, I finally figured out how to change the background of my blog so that it's not just boring and blah anymore...I figure having a cute blog might give me more incentive to do it more often. This is probably my third attempt at blogging successfully. I usually poop out after a week or so, or just feel that I don't have enough interesting things in my life to talk about. Perhaps that's true, but writing's always been an outlet for me, and this is much easier and cooler than writing in a journal.

Especially through this uncertain time in my life (I'll be graduating from college in May, and still have NO idea what I want to do with my life, and am still fighting the chronic depression I was diagnosed with in high school), I'm hoping a blog will give me something "fun" to do in the midst of a busy schedule of homework, studying, papers, practicing, hanging out with my friends and boyfriend, working, and going to counseling. So, here goes again. I'm hoping to get my story out here, eventually, especially if it helps someone else struggling with the same kinds of things.

Third time's the charm, right? Wish me luck.