And the world spins madly on...

Here, I am again, up later than I probably should be, but I figured since I skipped yesterday, I'd take a few minutes and put this down.

Today was not a good day. I woke up 20 minutes before my Sociology class. Amazingly enough, I got ready, out the door, drove to campus and parked, and ended up in my seat 2 minutes before class started. It was impressive, I tell you. Never mind that I had to skip my morning cup of coffee, which made me terribly, terribly sad. :( I'm just glad I woke up in time. I remember pushing snooze on my alarm clock, then going back to sleep. Usually when I do that, I end up waking up WAY late and have already missed class. Luckily I was able to make it to class this morning. I can definitely NOT afford one more missed class.

My mood was just blah all day. I finally got done with class/lessons at 3:30, and had to be at work at 4, and I still had to go back to my apartment and change. So, already cranky, I arrive at my car. Only to find out I have gotten a PARKING TICKET!!!! For parking in the "Visitor" spot!! WTF. See, if you buy a parking pass for your car, you can park anywhere on campus. Unfortunately, those parking passes are also $90. Ninety dollars! I tell you. That is absurd. I simply do not have that kind of extra money lying around. So for the past three weeks, I've been parking in the guest parking lot behind campus. Most of the other cars parked there don't have parking stickers on their windshield, so I figured it was safe. Until today. I am so pissed. $50 for a $%@&ing parking ticket that I feel I should have not gotten.

So, I am already cranky, and by now I am almost losing it. I get back to my apartment and change and come back to campus, parking OFF-campus, then walking, so I wouldn't get another stinkin ticket. I am so upset. I am fighting back tears. I just want to scream in frustration. Then I get even more upset for being so upset. Why can't I just be normal? I hate these horrible mood swings. Ever since I started this new medication last week, it's been awful. Yes, I've been feeling happier, at times, which is great, because before I wasn't able to feel ANYTHING. But when that mood subsides, I crash down to this horrible low point. I am also feeling way more agitated and angry, which my dr. said would be a side effect. I hate it so much! I would give anything in the world to feel peace and joy again. There are small moments of it here and there, but they are rare, and the in-between times are so bad that it almost is not worth it. I'm so fed up with this.

Work was horrible. I tried to get some homework done but the Union was really busy, people were constantly coming in and out, talking loudly, asking me stupid questions, wanting to buy tickets to on-campus events. I was so angry and overwhelmed and stressed out that I practically burst into tears, and I NEVER cry.

Mark was such a sweetie, though. He came over tonight for a while just to snuggle with me. Everything always feels better when I'm with him. He brings joy to my life, a smile to my face, he can brighten my mood no matter how bad it is. It's wonderful, but at the same time, I hate the fact that sometimes my happiness seems to only respond to him. I want that feeling of joy and happiness withOUT him. I want to be happy with myself, who I am, where I am going in my life....not happy because of how I feel when I'm with him. I've tried praying about this. I'm just not getting anything from God right now....I used to be so strong in my faith, and ever since the depression set in, when I need Him more than ever, I don't even have the strength and energy to reach out to Him.

I see that I have a wonderful life; I have good friends, an amazing boyfriend who is also my best friend, I go to a college that most people can't afford, I have a supportive family who has always provided for me.....I KNOW these things, and yet, it is very rare that I feel joy in my life. True, abiding, self-less joy. Is that so much to ask for? I don't even care about the materialistic things anymore. I know that God will carry me through and provide for me in that way. But when you're missing joy and peace from your life....that is a much harder void to fill. And it's much harder to trust and believe that one day, I will feel "normal" again.

Sorry for this depressing mood. Don't judge me. Just wanted to get some of this out there, because it helps to recognize these feelings and get them down on paper (well, virtual paper, if that counts). I've learned that keeping my feelings and frustrations bottled up is NOT the way to go. So anyway, sorry, this is more for me, than you. But I would appreciate comments, thoughts, prayers, etc.

Thanks --

Rachel