Why I am the way I am.

So, it's been quite a week. Classes and homework have kept me busy. The first round of papers and tests is finally over which is a huge relief. I don't think I did that well, but at least it's behind me. Sigh.

I can't say I'm entirely looking forward to this weekend. For a couple of reasons. First of all, tomorrow, my parents are driving 500 miles to come see me. Not just "for fun", though. It was at the strong suggestion of my therapist, who wants us to do some family counseling. So they are going to make a trip down every month or so for that. I'm super scared. We've never done anything like this before. My counselor and I have spent the last 6 weeks or so "preparing" for this....deciding what I want to say, figuring out what we need to talk about, telling them how I really feel.

It's going to be weird, though. I mean, it'll be great to see them. I haven't seen them in a month and a half. And we get along fine when we're just chatting, you know. But there's a lot of things unspoken. A lot of elephants in the room. They don't know half of what's gone on in the past several years. The deep reason, or trigger, to much of this depression I'm in, is them, and my relationship with them.

They're not like horrible people or anything....in fact, sometimes they're too perfect. Or try to be, anyways. See, I grew up in the kind of family structured entirely around rules, obedience, and the Bible. Not that this is a bad thing, but it was emphasized to the point where I became so suffocated in my own home. I felt like I couldn't talk to them about anything, because they would judge me or look down on me. I couldn't go to them for comfort because they simply didn't provide that. They were also too busy fussing over my brother and sister to really notice some of the things going on in my life. There was always this pressure on me to be a certain way, a certain someone I never felt I truly was. I'm not a cookie cutter daughter. Never was, never will be. I questioned their rules, pushed the boundaries a bit. Not to be rebellious just for the sake of being rebellious, but I honest to God felt suffocated 100% of the time. I wasn't allowed to make any decisions on my own. Even right up until I left the house for college I still had a curfew, and all these limitations put on me that I couldn't stand.

So guess what happened when I went off to college? You guessed it. I discovered a whole new world, one that I wasn't allowed to be exposed to before. So, I had no idea how to deal with it. All of a sudden, there's parties, drinking, hookups, no curfew. It was overwhelming. I got sucked into it. It was exciting. It made me feel alive. And no, I didn't do lots of stupid things, or go entirely crazy with rebellion. But I was allowed to decide for myself what I wanted to do, and what I thought was right and wrong. I got to see and experience the world for myself, not just hear about it and how bad it was from someone else.

So, in a nutshell, my parents are still very overprotective. They see the world in black and white, not in various shades of gray like I do. And when those two worlds of thought collide....well, we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.

So, after my first few wild years of college, guess what happened? You guessed it. The excitement of the nightlife wore off. I grasped my old values again, the "safer" way of living, the way I was brought up in. And you know what? I decided to live that way on my own. Not because I was told to. Not because anyone made me. I came back to God on my own, and finding Him again was even more fulfilling than ever, because I was making that decision on my own, not just believing it because it was what my parents had pushed on me.

I'm just now learning how to live on my own. And it's a difficult process, when you've been told how to live for 21 years. I'm just now learning to form my own individual beliefs and thoughts about myself. I'm just learning that the world is NOT all black and white.

Anyway, I'm nervous about the counseling session with my parents, because I know it will be very painful and emotional. It will require me to dig up a lot of these hidden resentments towards my parents. It will require me to face up to the fact that I haven't been the perfect daughter, or even the daughter I felt like they tried to make me. It's going to be exhausting and hard work. I know it is for the best. I want a better relationship with my parents, one that doesn't consist of fighting back and forth, me telling them that they control my life too often, and them telling me I have screwed up yet again.

Here's some questions for you all that I would be very interested in hearing what you think:

What do you think a parent's job is? When does a parent just need to let go and trust their child to discover things on their own? Should a parent let their child discover the world on their own, as dangerous and painful it might be, or is it better to shelter them and keep them close for as long as you can? (Obviously not, in my case.) But I'm interested in hearing how other people's parents approached this, and how you all "turned out", despite different parenting styles. What do you think happens when certain beliefs and rules are pushed on a child? Is this more beneficial in the long run, or is it bound to cause rebellion and problems? What is a good balance between teaching your kids Christian values to, but eventually letting them decide how to live their lives, and accepting the fact that they might not choose to live a Christian life? And how do you find this balance? Am I the only one out there who has this problem with their parents?


Wish me luck this weekend.