"What Ifs"

Tomorrow (well, technically today) begins the first day of my eighth semester of college here. Wow. I seriously cannot believe how fast it has gone.


I remember being a freshman, and thinking ahead to my senior year was sort of comforting because it was so far away. You know, I thought to myself there was no rush to figure out my life, or even what I wanted to do, because there was plenty of time, and somehow all the answers would come to me by then. I was thinking that I'd know exactly where I wanted to go after graduation, and maybe even have an engagement ring on my finger and someone special with whom to go there with. I thought by the time I was a senior, I'd be "all grown up", and finally have my life figured out. I remember looking up to those seniors then, those 21 and 22 year olds, who at the time seemed like these mature, wise, amazing people who all had worlds of opportunities at their feet.


And here I am, now "that person" that I once looked up to in awe, and I realize how wrong and deluded I was. Because in fact, I do not have the answers. I do not know what I want to do for the rest of my life, or even where I want to go. I'm not engaged. I don't feel grown up, mature, or wise. In all honesty, I feel like in many ways I have taken 2 steps backwards from even who I was as a college freshman. I was optimistic, I was excited. I was ready to take on the world. I knew (or thought I knew) that this was the chapter of my life when finally things would fall into place, when I could really focus on my passion for music, where I would be in a place that would constantly nurture and inspire my sense of being.


I miss that girl. I miss her youthfulness, even her naivety, as deluded as it may have been. I have no answers. I really don't. I have switched majors 3 times, although I have stayed within the music department so at least that's a good thing. I have seriously dated 3 people during my college career, all of whom I thought, at some point, could be "the one". I have made mistakes -- God knows, I have made countless mistakes. I have a lot of regrets, more than I am even comfortable admitting to myself. I wish I knew then what I know now. As college goes on, it's supposed to get easier. It's supposed to get easier! Come on! I survived my teen years, miraculously, and the ONLY way I survived them was looking forward to the future, thinking about college, when I would finally be away from home. I thought getting away from my family, my friends, my all-too-comfortable small town would really give me the chance to spread my wings and fly, and truly become the person I was meant to be all along. It was supposed to get better. It WAS.

Yes, I am angry at the fact that no one told me it wasn't going to get any easier. There are more responsibilities. More things to keep track of. Bills to pay, rent to pay, textbooks to pay for, groceries to buy. Papers to write, deadlines to abide by. Grades and classes in which I have to take full responsibility for my actions -- no excuses, no second chances. This is it.

So here I am, almost 22 years old. 4 years ago, I was looking ahead at my future self, and expecting that person to be finishing her college career, hopefully with at least a 3.5 GPA (definitely not gonna happen), have a clear idea of a career, and a sea of opportunities for being able to acquire a secure job in said career.

I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like I should have done something differently that would have led me to a different path, then perhaps I would maybe be that kind of person today. It's not my last semester. I am not graduating in 4 years. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Yes, I'm still here, still kickin'. And yes, I am still hopeful for the future. It's just not the kind of future that I imagined for myself 4 years ago, even 2 years ago.

Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me? Does everyone always look up to a certain age or milestone, and think to themselves that when we are at the point, we are going to finally be that happy, successful person with all the answers? Or is it just a constant dream we are reaching for, one that's always one step ahead of us, so that it's always just barely out of our grasp? Is that hope what keeps us pushing forward, continually spurring us on? Am I the only one who feels this way? I just feel like life has let me down a bit, teased me with all these hopes, aspirations and expectations of myself, only to finally let me discover that it was all a pipe dream from the get-go. I don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure whether to be ok with that or not. All I know is that it is what it is, and I'm going to try to work with that. Yes, it means I have to rebuild my hopes and expectations of myself. It means re-evaluating my life, and considering different options, ones that I never would have let myself consider before. It means doing a whole lotta soul searching. I guess I'm up for the challenge.

But I think there's always a part of me that will constantly be in search of that future version of myself, the one that "got away", the one I could have been.